Two months ago almost to the day, I wrote a post about how I was settling in for the possibly bumpy—and long—journey that is infertility. And here I am now, fully immersed in that journey and just getting pruney, soaking in my life of freedom and learning. After writing that post and coming to terms with the possible road ahead, a lot has changed in my life—at least mentally. It gave me new perspective, it took the pressure off of some timeline I imagined to be “right,” and it made me stop, look around and be really damn grateful for what I have in my life.
Before writing that, I really feel like I had hit rock bottom. I was beginning to base so much of my self worth and self esteem off of a negative pregnancy test that I really had no control over, and cycle after cycle it was taking its toll. The doctor visits were stressful, and I felt like my “healthy and fit” body had become a traitor to me and my dreams. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and got super uncomfortable talking about it with others (always afraid of breaking down and crying). It was no way to live.
I’m not sure exactly what triggered my turning point. Maybe it was making peace that it might take awhile. Or finally giving up control. But my focus has shifted. More than ever, I am listening to my gut and trusting that things are happening exactly as they should, when they should.
I don’t try to sugarcoat it or go all Pollyanna that everything is perfect though either. When I get my period, I’m still bummed—and last cycle I spent a good two hours just crying and processing all of the let down. I feel my feelings—or, more like, surrender to them—so that they don’t creep up in any other weird ways (funny how the stuff you push down and don’t deal with always comes back in another unrelated way but like 10 times worse), and I’m much, much better at reaching out for help. My husband has been amazing, and we’ve really leaned on each other for support. I didn’t think our relationship could get tighter, but through all of this, it has.
On the flip side of all of this, since shifting my mindset, other things in my life have been steamrolling. I’ve just been overflowing with creativity and ideas, and I’ve been putting so much passion and love into what I do for a living. Through teaching, speaking and writing, I feel like I’m giving more to the world than ever before, and it’s giving me so much back. I recently even realized one of my biggest dreams: to work out with Bob Harper. I can’t help but wonder, would I have been able to do that if I was pregnant? Or at home with a newborn?
It’s food for thought, but it gives me reassurance that life is on my side. That the timing is right. And if I honestly ask myself, “Self: Would you change anything from the last year?” I would say no. Because I have grown so much. For perhaps the first time in my life, I really, really feel like an adult. And not just because we went appliance shopping this weekend, and I was genuinely excited about it. I feel really confident and comfortable in my skin and in my life. Which I can only imagine will make me a better mother, no matter when or how that happens.
Next month, I’ll do another round of Clomid at a higher dosage (it’ll be my third round of Clomid—we’ve had to take a couple months off here and there due to traveling and my somewhat unpredictable cycle), along with estrogen and progesterone. I’ll, of course, let you know how it goes, as this road trip bends, winds and moves along.
For those trying to get pregnant, do you ever play the “what if?” game where you think about where you would or would not have been if you were pregnant? Do you think I’m wise—or crazy—for being grateful for this journey? Let’s discuss it all. —Jenn