So it’s been awhile, eh? Unfortunately, I don’t have much to report on my infertility journey. In fact, in a lot of ways, my life has gone back to “normal.” Well, as normal as it can be after coming to grips with the fact that making babies isn’t going to be as easy as I’d hoped when I was seven and picking out what Ken doll I’d marry and how many plastic babies I’d pop out.
After a final no-luck IUI this past fall, my husband, doctor and I all agreed: it was time to get serious about this fertility business. It was time to see a specialist…or do acupuncture…or…well, live life again.
For those who have never been through it, it’s hard to explain, but dealing with infertility is like being in a bubble. A really sensitive bubble that goes with you everywhere. If you’re not careful, it can start to seep into your self confidence, your self-worth and your day-to-day mood. It’s easy to begin to see everything through the infertility bubble, where the only thing that matters is your ability to reproduce. And since you can’t when you want to, you feel not right, not normal, not—as dramatic as it sounds—worthy of being a mother. Other people’s kids and pregnancies no longer are about them or the miracle of life; they’re about you and your inability to reproduce. Even with good friends and support, it can be a lonely jacked-up head space.
Which is why my husband and I are taking a number of months off from the whole “getting pregnant” thing. Yes, I have a big work project as kind of an excuse why months from now won’t be a good time for me to have a baby—but is there ever a perfect time to give birth? I think not. More or less, I’ve just needed a break from the treatments and the pills and the stress and the pressure. (Except for some OvaBoost, which I’m taking with my usual supplements.)
I needed time to remind myself of all the other ways that I actually am fertile—I definitely have a fertile mind when it comes to being creative, writing, cooking and even working out. I needed to take the focus off of what I don’t have and focus on what I do have. Many say that “not trying” usually leads to getting pregnant, but I brush that off. Not because I don’t believe it or want it, but because, well, I’ve learned that having strong expectations impedes enjoying the natural flow of life.
When it feels right, we might do some acupuncture (I have already found a gal I like and trust) or we might go see a fertility specialist about IVF or look into adoption. But for now, the only thing that feels good is getting back to everyday life sans the infertility bubble. So that’s exactly what I’m doing. Unlike other times when I felt like I was taking time off just to stick my head in the sand about everything, this time it feels different. I still have bad days every now and again, but on the whole, this break just feels right. And so very necessary.
Anyone else felt the infertility bubble? Trusted your intuition as to when it was time to try this or not try that? —Jenn